I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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