Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
