Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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