winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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