I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
