Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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