high people should be assigned attendants
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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