He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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