The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
