Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just had sex bonerless
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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