Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
