You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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