i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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