Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What happened to fro yo and sex?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
