Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
