she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
