I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
