I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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