nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
