A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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