i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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