He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
