I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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