evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize