I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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