omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
