just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
