My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
