God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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