every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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