Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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