fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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