you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize