sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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