before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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