i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
