My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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