She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
