I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
