I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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