I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
