I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
