If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
