I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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