my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
