this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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