1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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