i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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