3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
