Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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