I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
