I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
