Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
