I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
