I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The uberlube is also flammable
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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