Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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