we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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