So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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