WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize