chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
