Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How naked do you want me to be?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
