Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
