I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
