All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
